i never forgot.

today, it was raining the whole day.

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

i remembered things i should have just forgotten.

if i have just forgot about that incident, all would all be better.

i remembered the time when he hurt me, physically.

we were fighting that time but i don't remember why we were fighting

as i could remember i hit him first. and then he hit me back.

and all i could remember was forcing him to talk to me properly while pulling him towards me and he trying to pull away from me by hitting me again and again in my arms.

it hurt. a lot. but i was crying and i was confused, why he did that.

he hit me so hard that i thought i would break my arm.

i was mad. and he was mad.

i had bruises all over my arms the next day. i had bruises, all over both my arms.

my friends tried to ask me what happened but all i could say was that, i had an accident and i fell from the top deck since i was sleeping on the top deck that time.

even one teacher asked me in class what happened to me since i had a very hard time covering all those bruises, and i was really scared that he would not believe me when i tell him i fell.

i got scared. i was confused. i thought if, anyone knew the real reason, they would not understand.

i wasn't scared for me. i was scared for him.

but in the end, i couldn't remember him saying sorry to me that he hit me.

and instead, i remember him saying that, partly it was my fault for hitting him first. he was just defending himself from me.

HE. WAS. DEFENDING. HIMSELF. FROM. ME.

it has been more than a year since that happened and i thought i had moved on and forgot about it.

but as it turned out,

I NEVER FORGOT.

and now, i realized, he inflicted me all kinds of pain.

emotional and physical pain.

i may sound like a wife that was beaten by her husband.

but i think i know how they feel now.

2 of my cousins were beaten by their former husbands.

and i think i know and understand how it feels now.

you being so scared that someone else will know that the person who should have shown you only love and affection hurt you.

you not just being scared for yourself but also for that same person who beat you because you love that person so much.

i can't tell anyone about this before.

if my mom would know about this, i'm dead. he's dead.

and that time we were still together and i was ever willing to do anything for our relationship to last. even if it means i have to let go and just forget about the part that he cannot just hurt me emotionally but also physically.

after all the pain i have been through he still chose to betray me.

after those bruises, after all the excuse i made for him, to protect him, he still chose to hurt me more.

love is unconditional. that i believe in. when i love i love unconditionally.

and maybe that part was my mistake.

i forgot about myself and i just gave everything to this person i believed in.

i was ever willing to be hurt for that person without realizing that that same person wasn't willing to be hurt for me.

that that same person was defending himself from hurt. from me.

i feel pity for myself.

if i have talked to someone about what happened, things would've changed wouldn't it? i may not see him again, i may see him even in jail.

i am not afraid of him.

i was never afraid of him.

it's not that i have died from those bruises.

but, it hurts.

he wasn't even sorry.

and he partly blamed me for it.

that was the most painful part of all.

:(