As different as human personalities may be, however, all share the same emotional need for love – the strongest emotion which every human being needs to experience since they are a social being (Esteban, 1990, p. 24). That is why many people are looking for love. But the paradox of love says that when you will seek for love to fill the void of your own loneliness, in seeking love from others, you will inevitably find no consolation but only deeper desolation (Powell, 1967, p.64). Love, according to
They say that “Love is lovelier the second time around”. That everybody deserves a second chance. But if you have experienced a great deal of pain and your trust for your partner has been shattered into thousand of pieces, you would never take it that way. You may not consider giving that person who hurt you a second chance after the pain that you have gone through. But even though you have thought of giving that person a second chance, it will never be the same as before. Even if that person deserves to be given a second chance, you will always consider the terrible pain you have experienced during those times when they took you for granted or became utterly unfaithful to the relationship. Trust is very hard to regain once it has been destroyed. And the thought of the pain and the possibility that it could happen again can never be erased.
But it is really true that, every person deserves a second chance. And even though that one person you love has hurt you, you will still think about the good old days, reminisce the happy times together and the love and affection that person gave you at one point in your relationship. And if you are the person who wants to be given a second chance, then you too need to think through these questions. Can you really change to fit better within the needs of the relationship? Should you change? Change should be in your best interest too (Thomas, n.d., para.5). And when both parties realize their mistakes and failures, giving the relationship a second chance will make the relationship grow and both of you will also grow as individuals. It will make you treasure and give more importance to each other and give utmost importance to the relationship. If both of you have determined that the relationship is fixable and you are both fully committed to making the changes necessary, then a second chance could work out beautifully.
Whenever there is a strain in the relationship, most of the times people reassess their feelings, priorities and the relationship itself (Nimeth, 1984, p.61). What if your partner has realized that he/she no longer wants to be in that relationship? That they have set their priorities and you are not one of it. What would you do? Try and stop them? Beg for them to stay? But you will realize that in the long run you will just have to let the love of your life go where they seem to be much happier. And you are left behind will all the pain and with a broken and crushed heart. But, what if, after years of separation, your partner will come back and then realizes that he/she wants you back in their lives? Would you go risk your heart again? Forget all the pain your ex-partner had caused you all those time? Would you go back in the arms that once had the strength to let you go? When they say things change, well so as people’s feelings. After being totally rejected by the one person you truly love, your feelings change for that person over time, as you move on with your life.
Normally after the break up you will say that you feel bad about yourself because the person you love rejected you, and the only way for you to feel good again is to be back with that person. According to Bonacci (1996), “This thinking is probably the leading cause of mismatched couples reconciling six, seven, or eight times, and making themselves and each other miserable over and over again. The wrong way to deal with hurt is by trying to reconcile with the person who hurt you.” (p. 64). When friends, lovers and spouse part ways because of conflicts or incompatibility, it is rare that they remember the good old days (Garon, 1992, p. 102). But then over a period of time you move on and let go of that hurt. You become stronger and you make yourself aware of the things around you. And when the time comes that you have to face that old flame of yours, you go over your feelings with that person. You will realize that you may still have some left but surely the feelings you have for that person are not stronger than before. This is because you have let go of the feelings you have for that person and accepting the fact that that person doesn’t love you anymore. Some of the feelings may still be there like respect and some love, but most of it are already gone, like affection, passion and trust.
Trust. Good relationships are based on trust. It is impossible to build a relationship without that trust. If the trust is gone, the entire foundation of the relationship is also gone (Bonacci, 1996, p. 263). Trust is easy to give, but once destroyed, it is difficult to regain. In a relationship trust if not often but most of the time destroyed because of a person’s infidelity to his/her partner. Infidelity is more than just physical cheating with someone. It includes extreme flirting, sharing your most intimate feelings with someone else instead of your partner, and an overall lack of loyalty towards the relationship (Thomas, n.d., para. 4). When you find out that your partner becomes dishonest and unfaithful to you, your trust is right there and then destroyed. And the first reaction to infidelity is normally devastation. In your mind you can see no reason of justification for your partner treating you in this manner (Infidelity and trust, n.d., para. 5). After a disturbing revelation of dishonesty and infidelity, most people wouldn’t want the truth to be said immediately. People demand details of why their lover has to be dishonest to them (Ilogon, 2008, p. 122). Now you have to consider so many things like forgiving your partner and give it another shot in that relationship or to end it. It is most likely that you will find it hard to forgive because of the pain and your trust is completely lost (Infidelity and trust, n.d., para. 8).
Another thing that destroys trust is when a person physically hurts his/her partner. According to Bonacci (1996), “If anyone hits you, shows you or in any other way threatens your physical safety, this is no one you want to be with” (p. 267). And thus, you have to get out of that relationship and never come back. You do not deserve to be treated that way and no one has the right to hit you. How can you get back with a person who has hurt you physically or emotionally? How can you trust a person who lies to you every now and then? How would you know that they are sincere to you today when they have lied about so many things yesterday? Even when you decide to give that person a second chance, your trust is still shattered and not completely mended. You will still have doubts about his/her sincerity and your relationship will not be stronger than before. The flame will not be brighter and the passion will not be burning hotter.
Sometimes even when you try to give that person a second chance, they still won’t change. You expect that when you forgive them, they will become a better person you’re your relationship. But eventually when nothing happens, you get tired of trusting and hoping that your partner will be faithful to you. You get tired and end up ending the relationship even though it hurts so much. According to Garon (1992), “When two persons separate, there can only be a whole lot of hurt.”(p.103). And when you feel hurt it is most likely you become vulnerable, most especially when it is your first time to fall in love and have a broken heart. In 1997,
That is why people you learn how to avoid hurting the ones you love. Though asking for forgiveness may be not that hard, even when it is given the memory of the pain will never be erased. It scars and marks the relationship (Garon, 1996, p. 32). Once a relationship is broken it is difficult to fix it the same as before. The wounds and the memory of the pain won’t make the passion in the relationship burning brighter. Everyone is in search for love. And when you have that love already it would be impossible to let it go unless you don’t feel loved, or you are not happy with the relationship anymore. People also get tired of being hurt over and over again. And it is not an easy thing to deal with. Some people who were hurt for the first time stop trying to engage to new relationships because of the fear of being hurt again. Once you hurt someone, the memory of the pain will never be erased even if you do everything to get that person back. Love in a relationship is an investment and when a person sees that he/she couldn’t get anything out of it, they stop and eventually will not engage in the same relationship anymore. For most people once is all they have, and once is always enough.
