time pass by so fast

it's already the third month of the year.

how time flies!!

gaaahd. and i have so many realizations.

last year i ended up with a great deal of a heart ache. (yeah it sucks)

and this year i think God is giving me signs that i don't have to worry no more and i have to just trust Him.

earlier this year i got a call from the tutoring center i applied for last year and suddenly offered me a job.

and since i have been receiving many students and earning at least some extra money.

and then i was asked to represent my college department in this sing and dance competition.

and it was my very first time after 3 years in college to sing and dance in front of a huge crowd!

every one i know was really shocked and didn't really expect to have that kind of talent ( i would say guts. hahaha!)

but guess what? we won! my very first time to perform and it went well and we won.

next is i was asked to run as board member in our college executive council. i was really scared since the last time i ran for something was when i was in elementary and i didn't have a rival at that time. but still i accepted the challenge.

after a looong wait, and after the tallying of votes, i got the good news. I WON.

first time participating in something like this and i actually got positive results and feedbacks!

and i couldn't help but wonder what i did to deserve all these achievements.

and also lately after taking my exams, i feel confident that i would pass it. it's really quite weird since i feel so many positive energies come to me. so many good luck.

and then i realized, i had failed so many times last year.

lost a loved one, at some point lost myself, and failed to prove everybody wrong.

now i have made new friends, gained somethings for myself and created new dreams. (of course that would include to buy some things for myself and being a full time athlete:))

and i thought something is still missing.

LOVE LIFE.

hahahahaha!

come to think about it, it's true.

i have a stable job, my school life is stable too and good, i met new people and started to go out of my shell.

the only thing lacking is someone special.

but then i thought, maybe God never intend to give me that someone just yet.

since i was in a relationship for the past 2 years.

i think God is giving me the opportunities to regain myself and confidence and to put me out into the world.

and because of ll these achievements, i realized, it can wait.

I CAN WAIT.

maybe i can enjoy singlehood for a little longer. :)

now i can attest to the saying that when God gives away something he is emptying your hands for something better.

now i can see everything clearly and also in a different perspective. :)

i hope those people who have gone through and who are still going through a big deal of pain and loss would not give up and lose hope.

i had my own moments of giving up.

i had my own suicidal moments.

but when i see all the things God has given me, i changed the way i see myself and the way i see the things around me.

it may not be easy.

but you just have to open your eyes a little wider.

sometimes it's not in the things we want to see.

it's in the things we need to see.

i hope people would realize that.

have a great day ahead!

not sure if i'm ready for summer but i'm looking forward to it!

xoxo :) ♥

pamie. :)

valentine's rush

tomorrow is going to be valentine's day.

yeah. it kinda sucks that i am single this year and i am not looking forward to anything special to happen.

but it's still a very special day.

and this post is not about my dramatic life but about the two people who taught me and showed me that true love and everlasting love is real.

my grandparents.

the picture above was taken on their 65th wedding anniversary last JUNE 2010

they're both 93 years old to date.

they've been together fro 65 years.

gaaaahd! who in the world can live and love the same person for whole 65 years?

their love is amazing and the things they did for us, their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren are all for love.

my mom got separated from her husband, my two cousins annulled their previous marriages because they were battered or something.

my other aunt is now struggling with her marriage after finding out her husband is having an affair with a girl who is younger than me!

but then, after everything i have seen inside my family, i have never stopped believing in love.

that is because every single day since i have started living with my grandparents, i see how love can bind us together.

how their love for each other and for us never tore us apart even if some of us are not physically present here.

maybe some people out there after experiencing a loss and great heart ache, they give up. they stop finding reasons to love. most especially when they have been cheated on or the ones they loved left them.

but for me, i am young and i will never stop finding reasons to love someone.

i understand that it is so hard to move on most especially when you came from a long term relationship.

but life and love doesn't end there.

my grandparents' love for each other weren't always that easy to handle.

i heard my granddad had so many vices before that would include smoking and drinking.

but i have never ever heard, not even once that he cheated on my grandmom.

for 65 years he loved only one woman.

he had eyes only for one woman.

not that they're perfect for each other.

but they find ways to fit themselves for each other.

compromises. as they always say is key to lasting relationships.

i know most of my friends don't see this kind of love in their family since most of them their grandparents are dead or one is dead or their not living with them.

but i grew up seeing this kind of love.

i grew up feeling this kind of love.

it doesn't makes me an expert on love but it's just so amazing how when by just looking at them you will be inspired.

how many people are inspired on the love they have given each other and other people for the past 65 years.

they say nothing lasts forever.

true enough.

but some things doesn't have to last for it to stay.

65 years.

still can't believe it.

they've been together through thick and thin, ups and downs, sickness and in health, rain or shine. for 65 fruitful years.

life is hard. and loving is hard.

but when i see them, i realize, it's not that hard.

we are the ones making it hard.

sometimes when we are not ready for someone to be in our lives we tend to push them away.

sometimes when faced in difficult circumstances we tend to forget that we are not alone.

sometimes we abuse the love and attention given to us thinking that it will never leave us.

most of the time we take the most important people for granted.

loving is easy.

it's just sometimes, we make it hard for one person to love us.

we make it hard for them to understand us.

it's just sometimes, we tend to lose trust in them and in ourselves.

we tend to not see what's in front of us because we always look far away/

it's just sometimes we are too proud to ask for forgiveness and just let things be.

we realize all our mistakes just a little too late.

but i hope it doesn't stop us from finding true love. or from stop looking for love. or stop waiting for it to come.

it will come. we will see it. it will come in many forms. it may be a person, a job, a thing, an ambition, a wish. but it will come.

and that love will grow. and let you grow.

i grew up with so much love in my heart. so much love that i could give to people aside from my family.

my grandparents didn't just love only us. but they opened their doors to a lot of people.

and that's when i realized that it's not just the both of you that should love each other.

you invite many people in your lives to make your love grow (of course don't invite possible 3rd parties)

invite people that could help you in times when both of you are in trouble or under a bad situation.

it's just that not because both of you are in a relationship is that only both of you could work things out.

valentine's day is for lovers.

i get it

but it's also the time when single people get together and have fun on their own. :)

it's also a day to celebrate different kinds of friendship.

and i am so happy i have good friends.

a day to celebrate different kinds of relationship.

it's a day about love.

and it's just normal for us to spread it.

i hope i could inspire hopeless romantics out there by telling how wonderful love can be. as a proof: my grandparents.

happy valentine's day everyone!

♥

xoxo. :)

the end of the line

i know i have been so lovey dovey these past few weeks. but can't help it though. it's love month and i can feel so much for this guy but he just keeps on ignoring me whenever he likes.

and that makes me feel inconsistent too.

right now i am organizing a speech in my head.

my final message for him about all of my feelings.

true, he was the one who confessed to me first about liking me, and wanting me to like him back too. but after liking him, he just disappears and then show up again.

how inconsistent can he get?

but now. i am organizing a speech. and it's really hard to do it in my head so i am doing it here.

and here how my speech goes:

i know i have told you many times that i like you. and this would be the last time i will say this.

i like you but i have noticed that every time i say that you always tell me the exact same words all the time.

like you're not ready.

you have school stuffs to tend to and prioritize.

okay. i get it. i do. and i have been very understanding and very considerate.

but how selfish can you get?

how about me? it doesn't always have to be you.

HOW. ABOUT. ME.

it's not that i want you to be my boyfriend and all.

it's just. i don't see the point of liking you if there's nothing to look forward to.

and you told me to just keep my feelings to myself for the mean time.

fine. i agreed to that. unselfishly.

but for once. just once. can you please consider my feelings too?

you said, go with the flow, but how will i do that if there is no flow to go with to?

crap. don't want to do this anymore.

this is the end.

that's it.

happy love month everyone.

:(

stressed

all these feelings makes me crazy!

i am very inconsistent nowadays and i can't figure myself out.

what do you do when you are stressed? upset? or depressed?

when i'm upset, i don't eat. when i'm upset i become anorexic. i can choose not to eat major meals. when i'm upset i eat almost nothing.

though i feel the hunger, it doesn't bother me at all. since all i can think about is how upset i am.

when i am stressed, i eat a lot of junk food. as in A LOT.

when i am depressed i tend to sleep. A LOT.

i am so messed up right now.

i need distractions.

i can't seem to focus on some things.

but i know if i put y heart to it, i can do this.

but i just need some distractions.

from what? i don't know. from him. from my crappy subject (ES 64).

all i need is a day. all i'm asking is one day. where all i can think of are things like, chocolate, Gossip Girl and other stuffs.

one day where i get not to think of him, not to hear a single love song.

one day without seeing that crappy teacher, that crappy book and notes!

urgh! can't figure out what's wrong with me.

:(

can please someone volunteer to be my distraction?

:)

woke up to love songs

it's FEBRUARY! the love month as they would say.

and how do i feel now that after 2 past valentines i am now a single girl on valentine's day?

i don't feel depressed at all.

though i really want to spend it with someone i really like (which there is someone by the way) maybe i will try to spend it like any ordinary day. like Valentine's never really existed.

but since this is the love month, i am full of love!

not just for myself but maybe also for someone else. and this post may be about him.

but we'll see. :)

last year i have received so many comments in my valentine's day post.

i wonder why. hahahah! mostly from people from other countries. i had to use a translator to read what they were saying.

but here's the thing, last year was nice. i got to spend valentine's with both my family and my special someone.

this year, the day before valentine's is going to be my granddad's 93rd birthday and i promised my mom that i would go home.

but i have to go back here in the city early morning the next day since i have classes.

but still, at least i get to spend it with the people i love.

i just hope i get to spend it with him.

i know, it's only been more than a month after my break up, but like what i said before, i had to move on and i am moving on.

and now he comes in.

he isn't the most charming person i know but he certainly makes me laugh.

he isn't the smartest guy i have ever met but he is witty and all.

he isn't the most romantic guy i have been with but he makes me feel wanted every time we are together.

he is a guy i can't have right now.

he's not ready.

and i think i am not ready too.

i don't even know if i already love him.

even though i have given so much love from my past relationship, i still have so much love to give to this guy.

but he is still not ready.

or should i say, he sees being in a relationship time consuming.

can't blame him though since he has struggles when it comes to his academics.

while i admire his strong sense of having priorities, i wonder if he even still feels the same way about me.

he told me he liked me and that when he graduates (that would be at least 2 years from now) he would really court me and that would be the only time he will ever be ready to be in a relationship.

i wanted to much to change that. :(

but what can i do?

i can't talk to him in public since he is friends with my ex, and i only chat with him on facebook every time i am online.

though we don't usually talk about mushy stuffs, i still feel "kilig":)

i haven't felt like this in a loooong time.

and i like the thrill and i like the feeling of being inspired.

just wanted him to know that every time i hear a love song, i think of him.

and every time i play Bruno Mars' song Just the Way you are, i feel so thankful that he dedicates that song to me. :)

and that's what i get when i wake up to love songs playing on the radio.

hahaha!

♥ is truly in the air! in many forms and in many types.

hope this won't be the end of feeling te love this month!

xoxo ♥

i never forgot.

today, it was raining the whole day.

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

i remembered things i should have just forgotten.

if i have just forgot about that incident, all would all be better.

i remembered the time when he hurt me, physically.

we were fighting that time but i don't remember why we were fighting

as i could remember i hit him first. and then he hit me back.

and all i could remember was forcing him to talk to me properly while pulling him towards me and he trying to pull away from me by hitting me again and again in my arms.

it hurt. a lot. but i was crying and i was confused, why he did that.

he hit me so hard that i thought i would break my arm.

i was mad. and he was mad.

i had bruises all over my arms the next day. i had bruises, all over both my arms.

my friends tried to ask me what happened but all i could say was that, i had an accident and i fell from the top deck since i was sleeping on the top deck that time.

even one teacher asked me in class what happened to me since i had a very hard time covering all those bruises, and i was really scared that he would not believe me when i tell him i fell.

i got scared. i was confused. i thought if, anyone knew the real reason, they would not understand.

i wasn't scared for me. i was scared for him.

but in the end, i couldn't remember him saying sorry to me that he hit me.

and instead, i remember him saying that, partly it was my fault for hitting him first. he was just defending himself from me.

HE. WAS. DEFENDING. HIMSELF. FROM. ME.

it has been more than a year since that happened and i thought i had moved on and forgot about it.

but as it turned out,

I NEVER FORGOT.

and now, i realized, he inflicted me all kinds of pain.

emotional and physical pain.

i may sound like a wife that was beaten by her husband.

but i think i know how they feel now.

2 of my cousins were beaten by their former husbands.

and i think i know and understand how it feels now.

you being so scared that someone else will know that the person who should have shown you only love and affection hurt you.

you not just being scared for yourself but also for that same person who beat you because you love that person so much.

i can't tell anyone about this before.

if my mom would know about this, i'm dead. he's dead.

and that time we were still together and i was ever willing to do anything for our relationship to last. even if it means i have to let go and just forget about the part that he cannot just hurt me emotionally but also physically.

after all the pain i have been through he still chose to betray me.

after those bruises, after all the excuse i made for him, to protect him, he still chose to hurt me more.

love is unconditional. that i believe in. when i love i love unconditionally.

and maybe that part was my mistake.

i forgot about myself and i just gave everything to this person i believed in.

i was ever willing to be hurt for that person without realizing that that same person wasn't willing to be hurt for me.

that that same person was defending himself from hurt. from me.

i feel pity for myself.

if i have talked to someone about what happened, things would've changed wouldn't it? i may not see him again, i may see him even in jail.

i am not afraid of him.

i was never afraid of him.

it's not that i have died from those bruises.

but, it hurts.

he wasn't even sorry.

and he partly blamed me for it.

that was the most painful part of all.

:(

DAY ONE

today is the day i could say with all confidence that I AM MOVING ON.

this is the day when i don't really care anymore. what he thinks, feels, says about me.

or what he and he's slutty bitch do. (sorry but i will never get over the fact that i hate her)

he once asked me if i still loved him.

and i said i do but not the same as before.

where did all the love go?

some of the love were converted to pain,some of it were converted to anger, some just merely disappeared when the pain was starting to fade.

i can't promise that i won't cry anymore because i don't know what might happen in the future.

i just hope he will really soon find my worth.

he will realize what a big mistake to let me go.

but it's still okay if he doesn't though.

like i said, i don't really care anymore.

he's on his own now, and i am on my own.

it's quite a relief that i am feeling like this. 

i have never been that dependent on him, but it feels good to be really free from all those hurt and pain.

and i will never be insecure of that bitch no matter how he praise her for being good in this and that. 

it will never change the fact that she is still ugly.

haha! sorry for being so evil. but it's kinda true.

:)

i mean being in a relationship is nice, but being single is nice too.

i may not look forward to valentine's day, but it would still be fun knowing you have friends who are like you.

SINGLE and HAPPY! ♥

though i have this someone i like right now, i don't think both of us are ready to be in a relationship.

i thought i was though but i was wrong.

it's fun. the thrill of the chase. the mystery of what will happen next.

today is DAY ONE.

the very first day after a series of moving on days that i am really moving on.

the first day since the break up that i can say that there is no pain anymore.

i can go out with my friends without telling anyone what we would do, i can go and see other people, i can be me, in a fun way!

and all i have to think about is myself.

and this is me. just being inspired. :) 

xoxo. ♥

bad news

we just got a message from our classmate that his dad is in a coma since last night and he is asking for our prayers.

my heart broke.

i automatically replied to him that i will surely pray not just for his dad but also for him.

as much as i want to empathize to him, i haven't experienced something like that before. even family deaths, or family crisis like that. except maybe that one time when i didn't get to celebrate my 13th birthday because my granddad was sent to the hospital and all of us thought it was his time to go.

but i guess this is different.

it's his dad.

me? i don't even know if my dad is still alive or where he is right now.

but the thing is, i don't know a single thing about fear of losing someone to death.

not a thing.

not a single thing.

and i am afraid that when the time comes that it's me who is facing it, i won't know what to do.

we are all afraid of death. we are all afraid of losing the people we love by death.

but when i think of the people i love dying, i still don't get that fear. 

maybe because it has never happened to me. 

thankfully, i just received a message that my friend's dad just woke up

GOD IS REALLY GOOD!

and the feeling of relief, is great. :)

i just hope that when the time comes that things like this will happen to me, i will be strong enough. 

things will always end well. 

xoxo! ♥ :)

welcome 2011!

this is my first post for this year. and i know i have been such a bitch by not writing anything decent last year. but i'm here now and i am writing again! finally!

these past few weeks i have been through a rough break up with my ex of 2 years.

though everything's okay now, there is still that pain i am feeling.

i have two posts that i wasn't able to finish since i want to start my year right.

i want to start by writing something sensible for once.

as i have said for the past three weeks i have been through a rough break up.

there was a lot of drama, crying in the middle of the night, confrontations and many more.

true, betrayal is always painful, but in the end you will find something comforting that makes the pain less and less everyday.

but all has been said and done, and i have forgiven those people who hurt me (including that fucking bitch who my ex said he loves but not more than he loved me), and now i am doing a fresh new start and i am dedicating this year for myself. and for myself only. :)

for the past 2 years at least, i have given myself to a person whom i thought would cherish me for a long period of time.

for the past 2 freaking years i have given myself to someone and left a little for myself.

and now, this year will be all for ME. and ME alone.

me and my happiness, me and the things i could have done for the past two years if i wasn't in a relationship, me and the things i would want to do in my life right now.

i have realized, i have so many dreams for myself. i have so many things i want to do, i want to become. and even in my little ways i want to fulfill some of those dreams.

i was never an achiever, but i was always the hardworker.

and now, i want to achieve something for myself. something i would never thought i want. and i am going to find out what it is.

i am a very open person. i adjust to things most people find themselves crazy adjusting in.

i can't say that i am not the me that i used to be.

i am still me.

there is still that dark and twisted side.

but there is also that happy and optimistic side.

and about love?

i am single and ready to mingle!

what happened, can't possibly stop me from loving again.

i mean yeah, he is the first real relationship that i had, though it didn't end well, and i am on the process of moving on, but i am ready to face the future and look ahead for what's in store for me.

if someone comes, then i'd be happy to entertain. but if not, then it's still okay. :)

i don't believe i have to grieve for long. :)

i am moving on and i am choosing to move on, despite of the pain that sometimes still come to me at night.

(like last night i cried again but no sweat, i am still fine)

so that's it!

this is my plan, my dream and my aspiration.

and i hope everyone will also have a good year this year!

i mean trials will always come, but worry not for we all can get through that.

i always believe that! :)

xoxo!! ♥