i never forgot.

today, it was raining the whole day.

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

i remembered things i should have just forgotten.

if i have just forgot about that incident, all would all be better.

i remembered the time when he hurt me, physically.

we were fighting that time but i don't remember why we were fighting

as i could remember i hit him first. and then he hit me back.

and all i could remember was forcing him to talk to me properly while pulling him towards me and he trying to pull away from me by hitting me again and again in my arms.

it hurt. a lot. but i was crying and i was confused, why he did that.

he hit me so hard that i thought i would break my arm.

i was mad. and he was mad.

i had bruises all over my arms the next day. i had bruises, all over both my arms.

my friends tried to ask me what happened but all i could say was that, i had an accident and i fell from the top deck since i was sleeping on the top deck that time.

even one teacher asked me in class what happened to me since i had a very hard time covering all those bruises, and i was really scared that he would not believe me when i tell him i fell.

i got scared. i was confused. i thought if, anyone knew the real reason, they would not understand.

i wasn't scared for me. i was scared for him.

but in the end, i couldn't remember him saying sorry to me that he hit me.

and instead, i remember him saying that, partly it was my fault for hitting him first. he was just defending himself from me.

HE. WAS. DEFENDING. HIMSELF. FROM. ME.

it has been more than a year since that happened and i thought i had moved on and forgot about it.

but as it turned out,

I NEVER FORGOT.

and now, i realized, he inflicted me all kinds of pain.

emotional and physical pain.

i may sound like a wife that was beaten by her husband.

but i think i know how they feel now.

2 of my cousins were beaten by their former husbands.

and i think i know and understand how it feels now.

you being so scared that someone else will know that the person who should have shown you only love and affection hurt you.

you not just being scared for yourself but also for that same person who beat you because you love that person so much.

i can't tell anyone about this before.

if my mom would know about this, i'm dead. he's dead.

and that time we were still together and i was ever willing to do anything for our relationship to last. even if it means i have to let go and just forget about the part that he cannot just hurt me emotionally but also physically.

after all the pain i have been through he still chose to betray me.

after those bruises, after all the excuse i made for him, to protect him, he still chose to hurt me more.

love is unconditional. that i believe in. when i love i love unconditionally.

and maybe that part was my mistake.

i forgot about myself and i just gave everything to this person i believed in.

i was ever willing to be hurt for that person without realizing that that same person wasn't willing to be hurt for me.

that that same person was defending himself from hurt. from me.

i feel pity for myself.

if i have talked to someone about what happened, things would've changed wouldn't it? i may not see him again, i may see him even in jail.

i am not afraid of him.

i was never afraid of him.

it's not that i have died from those bruises.

but, it hurts.

he wasn't even sorry.

and he partly blamed me for it.

that was the most painful part of all.

:(

DAY ONE

today is the day i could say with all confidence that I AM MOVING ON.

this is the day when i don't really care anymore. what he thinks, feels, says about me.

or what he and he's slutty bitch do. (sorry but i will never get over the fact that i hate her)

he once asked me if i still loved him.

and i said i do but not the same as before.

where did all the love go?

some of the love were converted to pain,some of it were converted to anger, some just merely disappeared when the pain was starting to fade.

i can't promise that i won't cry anymore because i don't know what might happen in the future.

i just hope he will really soon find my worth.

he will realize what a big mistake to let me go.

but it's still okay if he doesn't though.

like i said, i don't really care anymore.

he's on his own now, and i am on my own.

it's quite a relief that i am feeling like this. 

i have never been that dependent on him, but it feels good to be really free from all those hurt and pain.

and i will never be insecure of that bitch no matter how he praise her for being good in this and that. 

it will never change the fact that she is still ugly.

haha! sorry for being so evil. but it's kinda true.

:)

i mean being in a relationship is nice, but being single is nice too.

i may not look forward to valentine's day, but it would still be fun knowing you have friends who are like you.

SINGLE and HAPPY! ♥

though i have this someone i like right now, i don't think both of us are ready to be in a relationship.

i thought i was though but i was wrong.

it's fun. the thrill of the chase. the mystery of what will happen next.

today is DAY ONE.

the very first day after a series of moving on days that i am really moving on.

the first day since the break up that i can say that there is no pain anymore.

i can go out with my friends without telling anyone what we would do, i can go and see other people, i can be me, in a fun way!

and all i have to think about is myself.

and this is me. just being inspired. :) 

xoxo. ♥

bad news

we just got a message from our classmate that his dad is in a coma since last night and he is asking for our prayers.

my heart broke.

i automatically replied to him that i will surely pray not just for his dad but also for him.

as much as i want to empathize to him, i haven't experienced something like that before. even family deaths, or family crisis like that. except maybe that one time when i didn't get to celebrate my 13th birthday because my granddad was sent to the hospital and all of us thought it was his time to go.

but i guess this is different.

it's his dad.

me? i don't even know if my dad is still alive or where he is right now.

but the thing is, i don't know a single thing about fear of losing someone to death.

not a thing.

not a single thing.

and i am afraid that when the time comes that it's me who is facing it, i won't know what to do.

we are all afraid of death. we are all afraid of losing the people we love by death.

but when i think of the people i love dying, i still don't get that fear. 

maybe because it has never happened to me. 

thankfully, i just received a message that my friend's dad just woke up

GOD IS REALLY GOOD!

and the feeling of relief, is great. :)

i just hope that when the time comes that things like this will happen to me, i will be strong enough. 

things will always end well. 

xoxo! ♥ :)

welcome 2011!

this is my first post for this year. and i know i have been such a bitch by not writing anything decent last year. but i'm here now and i am writing again! finally!

these past few weeks i have been through a rough break up with my ex of 2 years.

though everything's okay now, there is still that pain i am feeling.

i have two posts that i wasn't able to finish since i want to start my year right.

i want to start by writing something sensible for once.

as i have said for the past three weeks i have been through a rough break up.

there was a lot of drama, crying in the middle of the night, confrontations and many more.

true, betrayal is always painful, but in the end you will find something comforting that makes the pain less and less everyday.

but all has been said and done, and i have forgiven those people who hurt me (including that fucking bitch who my ex said he loves but not more than he loved me), and now i am doing a fresh new start and i am dedicating this year for myself. and for myself only. :)

for the past 2 years at least, i have given myself to a person whom i thought would cherish me for a long period of time.

for the past 2 freaking years i have given myself to someone and left a little for myself.

and now, this year will be all for ME. and ME alone.

me and my happiness, me and the things i could have done for the past two years if i wasn't in a relationship, me and the things i would want to do in my life right now.

i have realized, i have so many dreams for myself. i have so many things i want to do, i want to become. and even in my little ways i want to fulfill some of those dreams.

i was never an achiever, but i was always the hardworker.

and now, i want to achieve something for myself. something i would never thought i want. and i am going to find out what it is.

i am a very open person. i adjust to things most people find themselves crazy adjusting in.

i can't say that i am not the me that i used to be.

i am still me.

there is still that dark and twisted side.

but there is also that happy and optimistic side.

and about love?

i am single and ready to mingle!

what happened, can't possibly stop me from loving again.

i mean yeah, he is the first real relationship that i had, though it didn't end well, and i am on the process of moving on, but i am ready to face the future and look ahead for what's in store for me.

if someone comes, then i'd be happy to entertain. but if not, then it's still okay. :)

i don't believe i have to grieve for long. :)

i am moving on and i am choosing to move on, despite of the pain that sometimes still come to me at night.

(like last night i cried again but no sweat, i am still fine)

so that's it!

this is my plan, my dream and my aspiration.

and i hope everyone will also have a good year this year!

i mean trials will always come, but worry not for we all can get through that.

i always believe that! :)

xoxo!! ♥