over and done

i will begin this entry by saying that, my 26-month relationship was ended last night. 

after more than 2 years of being together, we broke up.

and right now, i feel totally fine. i feel nothing. and i don't know why.

i don't feel depressed i don't feel any anger.

i don't feel any pain. yet.

after more than 2 years, the relationship i have been keeping and cherishing has come to an end.

it's true our relationship started on the wrong foot and i always prayed that it will turn out okay, but it took him, me, us 2 years to figure things out.

2 years ago, I was the other girl. and right now, the girl he left for me is now the girl he left me for.

2 years ago i thought i would stop being the third party, but what i don't know is, all these years i was still the third party. and that is my greatest pain right now.

it still wasn't sinking in. he couldn't choose, so i made a choice. and he didn't stop me from doing that decision.

i gave up. i am the kind of person who knows when to give up. and i think the time is now. after 2 years, i gave up something i love, something precious to me. 

i didn't had time to think, i didn't give it a few days rest or waited for everything to sink in my head. in less than a minute i told him that everything was over.

and i couldn't say anything more right now. it's just that it's over. it's all over.

i'm back!

I am in pain.

I haven't written anything for the past months and now I am saying that I AM IN PAIN.

Darn toothache. One small thing and it greatly affects my whole disposition today.

For the past months I can say I have been through a lot of pain. Who doesn’t? Right? We all experience different kinds of pain at some point in our lives.

For the past months I can say that I really had a hard time living with the pain I have gone through. It may not like be the kind of pain I was experiencing while I was growing up (which sometimes when I remember I really cry at night), but the pain made me think about a lot of things. The pain made me doubt myself and also made me doubt my faith.

I wasn’t that strong. I held on to nothing. I was floating in some dimension with no faith at all. I was about to give up. I stopped going to church I even stopped praying. I only go to church when my mom would force me to. I look back in my life, and whenever I remember all those painful moments and how it still affects me today, I ask why? Why can’t I move on? And now I am experiencing this new pain how will I move on? People see me happy on the outside but inside sometimes it’s an everyday struggle to move on. On some days, I forget about it and I can say I can truly be happy, but when I remember the pain, I breakdown. Though I have already forgiven those people who have hurt me, I still can’t find myself to forget. And there are these unanswered questions. Why? What have I done wrong? I can’t seem to forget the pain brought by the people I love. I can’t seem to understand how in the world my cherished friends betrayed me at some point. Though I can say that I have moved on but why still it hurts whenever I think of it? Why does it still damn hurt?

Today, I have moved on from the pain I experienced from these past few months. I regained myself and I have my faith back again. But the past pains, I am not so sure. At some point I have realized that maybe I can’t seem to forget about it because it will be a reminder that I have gone through that pain and lived. It will be a reminder that pain is real and it will come back anytime it wants. It will remind me of the friendships lost, all my mistakes, all the people I have hurt and the times I felt alone. It is a constant reminder that I can go through any kind of pain and survive. And that I would like to share. For the past months I wasn’t writing, I realized a lot of things and I intend to share that. (That is if someone is actually reading my blog)

Pain is a constant reminder for all of us. May it be past, present or future pains. Pain is part of who we are. Pain is like happiness or sadness. It is not always there. But I treasure pain. I treasure it like experiences; it gives me realizations and lessons. As a matter of fact sometimes it gives me hope. Because sometimes in pain, you will discover that you will never be alone. And because of that you start to hope. You start to stand up and walk. Pick up the broken pieces of yourself and you find other people picking it up with you. Pain makes you strong when you endure it. And I can say that today I am strong enough to go through another set of painful experiences and live to share my realizations to everyone. Whenever you find yourself giving up just remember all those past pains and think that you did not go through that for nothing. J

heart's day!!

it is definitely the season of LOVE!! happy valentine's y'all!!

well, i sooo love that the family got together this last few weeks.. to celebrate my grandparent's birthday.. 

it is valentine's and i had to spend time with my family and the person i treasure today..

it's a rear opportunity that you can do that both on valentine's day..

it's the season of love!! and the town is painted in red.. 

and now i am sooo lazy to write.. be back later.. 

100 truths

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: water
2. Last phone call: mom
3. Last text message: Andrey 
4. Last song you listened to: bleeding love
5. Last time you cried: last week :( 

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: never date..
7. Been cheated on: yup
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: absolutely!!!
9. Lost someone special: YES
10. Been depressed: not a lot..
11. Been drunk and threw up: Never been drunk..

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. GREEN
13. BLUE
14. PURPLE 

THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: YES
16. Fallen out of love: NO
17. Laughed until you cried: YES
18. Met someone who changed you: YES
19. Found out who your true friends were: YES
20. Found out someone was talking about you: YES
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: YES
22. How many people on your friends list (FACEBOOK, K?) do you know in real life: 80% 
23. How many kids do you want?: in the future? at most 5 at least 3 :)  what? i'm an only child.. i want to have a big family.. 
24. Do you have any pets: NO
25. Do you want to change your name: NO
26. What did you do for your last birthday: CELEBRATION WITH FRIENDS
27. What time did you wake up today: 7:30 am  
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping.. snoring.. dreaming.. 
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: vacation!!!!
30. Last time you saw your Mother: just a while ago.. 
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: MY WEIGHT!! haha 
32. What are you listening to right now : the television and the aircon.  
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I don't know.. i can't remember someone named TOM 
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: our slow internet connection 
35. Most visited webpage: FACEBOOK and TWITTER 
36. Whats your real name: REAL? Christine Marie 
37. Nicknames: PAMIE, TIN..
38. Relationship Status: in a relationship
39. Zodiac sign: LIBRA
40. Male or female?: FEMALE
41. Primary School?: St. Paul College Pasig
42. Secondary School?: PISAY CMC
43. College?: Mindanao State University - Iligan Institute of Technology
44. Hair colour: BLACK
45. Long or short: LONG
46. Height: 5'3"
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: YES
48: What do you like about yourself?: EVERYTHING! :)
50. Tattoos: none.. i'll be dead if i get one
51. Righty or lefty: RIGHTY

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: none 
53. First piercing: EARS 
54. First best friend: MICHELLE MOLINA way back in elementary.. she probably doesn't remember me anymore.. she's abroad since 3rd grade 
55. First sport you joined: VOLLEYBALL 
56. First vacation: Kapatagan Lanao Del Norta when i was little
58. First pair of trainers: i can't remember 

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: none.. :(
60. Drinking: none.. 
61. I'm about to: finish this
62. Listening to: television

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: YES  
65. Get Married?: Of course..
66. Career?: YES

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: EYES
68. Hugs or kisses: HUGS
69. Shorter or taller: TALLER
70. Older or Younger: OLDER
71. Romantic or spontaneous: SPONTANEOUS
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: ARMS
73. Sensitive or loud: SENSITIVE
74. Hook-up or relationship: RELATIONSHIP
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: HESITANT

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: NOPE
77. Drank hard liquor: yes.
78. Lost glasses/contacts: NOPE
79. Sex on first date: never
80. Broken someone's heart: yes.. :(
82. Been arrested: NO. 
83. Turned someone down: YES
84. Cried when someone died: YES!
85. Fallen for a friend?: YES

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: YES
87. Miracles: YES
88. Love at first sight: NO
89. Heaven: YES
90. Santa Claus: NO
91. Kiss on the first date: NO
92. Angels: YES

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: not really
95. Did you sing today?: YES
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: yes. :(
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: time when i was in high school 
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: holidays!!
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: not really
100. Have you missed somebody: YES all the time..  

i always thought that life is a matter of choice.. and it all depends on what we know, what we think, what we do or how we act on a certain situation.. for short, it all depends on us.. but sometimes i find myself corrected and it makes me change the way i think and feel about certain things in my life.. this is my first and last entry this month.. when i should've written my resolutions on the first day i chose to write it on the last.

there were nights this month that i would just sit, look at my open book and notes and think about how miserable my life was back then.. and then i would eventually start to cry.. i thought, i had no choice at that time.. my parents had to be separated and i have to move in a place where i feel that i don't belong because the people made me feel that i didn't belong.. that was it.. i just had to sit there staring at my notes and remember the bad things and then i would start to cry.. but then again.. maybe i was just tired.. tired of my life having all my efforts gone to waste.. well sometimes i think that it is gone to waste.. sometimes people don't appreciate you for who you are and what good you do.. they stick to the bad side and the mistakes yu have done in the past.. i think i didn't have a choice.. but i did.. i had a choice to live a non-miserable life by looking at things at a different angle.. but then i think, wrong again.. i think that life soemtimes isn't a matter of choice.. it sometimes is a matter of letting the water flow where it suppose to flow.. i am a spontaneous person and yet i believe that life is a matter of choices.. choices that we make good or bad.. and this month i have learned that it's not like that all the time.. sometimes you choose the bad.. unconsciously.. though life is not a matter of good or bad choices.. life is about how you let things decide on its own. how you let it flow through you and how you digest every information you receive.. because if life is all about choices, we would actually choose what to believe even if it's a lie, we would choose who to love even if everybody, good or bad is worth loving.. there are things in life that we don't have to make a choice.. we just need to see things in a different angle.. a different side.. and i hope the good side..

last year there were so many things that happened to me.. good and bad.. there will never be always good and always bad.. but i strive to be a better person even if many judge me for the mistakes i have done in the past and hurt me for being so imperfect.. but this year after going through this month i realized that there are so many people out there who care for me and who are ready to defend me.. i never chose those people to be my friends and they never chose me... we became friends because we are friends by heart.. like what on Philosopher said that friendship is two bodies with one soul.. something like that..

i now know why certain new year resolutions do not work.. because they plan to do it on the first day of the year when in fact, we couldn't predict things that would happen and the circumstances that we would go through on the start of the year.. i think that we all need to adapt first on what's ahead in this year and then plan on the things that we are going to do to make things work out.. sometimes we can't act on a plan instantly because sometimes we are faced with different unexpected circumstances.. so those who are the "planning" type would have plan A, B, C up to Z.. but for those who are not are just going to give up on doing their resolutions and go ahead with life.. what a spirit!!!! haha!! i just had the crazy idea of setting the whole month of January for planning my new year's resolution for the remaining 11 months of this year..well these are not mere plans and resolutions these are the things that i have learned this month and i am going to carry for the whole year..

resolution/realization

#1. life is always unfair.. it will never be fair.. let us all face it.. all we have to do is see the good in things.. :)

#2. always follow what's written in the procedure.. you'll get in trouble if you don't

#3. life is always fun with friends around, be with people who makes you happy :D

#4. past is past... period..

#5. follow your heart and do the right thing!!!!

#6. don't cry over spilled milk..

#7. use your past pains for your current strength.. :)

#8. laugh at your mistakes.. it's fun!!!

#9. it gives happiness if you give more..

#10. devote yourself for something very important.. like.. uhmm.. studies!! haha!!

lastly.. try different kind of things everyday!! :)

be happy and live life!!! :)