time pass by so fast

it's already the third month of the year.

how time flies!!

gaaahd. and i have so many realizations.

last year i ended up with a great deal of a heart ache. (yeah it sucks)

and this year i think God is giving me signs that i don't have to worry no more and i have to just trust Him.

earlier this year i got a call from the tutoring center i applied for last year and suddenly offered me a job.

and since i have been receiving many students and earning at least some extra money.

and then i was asked to represent my college department in this sing and dance competition.

and it was my very first time after 3 years in college to sing and dance in front of a huge crowd!

every one i know was really shocked and didn't really expect to have that kind of talent ( i would say guts. hahaha!)

but guess what? we won! my very first time to perform and it went well and we won.

next is i was asked to run as board member in our college executive council. i was really scared since the last time i ran for something was when i was in elementary and i didn't have a rival at that time. but still i accepted the challenge.

after a looong wait, and after the tallying of votes, i got the good news. I WON.

first time participating in something like this and i actually got positive results and feedbacks!

and i couldn't help but wonder what i did to deserve all these achievements.

and also lately after taking my exams, i feel confident that i would pass it. it's really quite weird since i feel so many positive energies come to me. so many good luck.

and then i realized, i had failed so many times last year.

lost a loved one, at some point lost myself, and failed to prove everybody wrong.

now i have made new friends, gained somethings for myself and created new dreams. (of course that would include to buy some things for myself and being a full time athlete:))

and i thought something is still missing.

LOVE LIFE.

hahahahaha!

come to think about it, it's true.

i have a stable job, my school life is stable too and good, i met new people and started to go out of my shell.

the only thing lacking is someone special.

but then i thought, maybe God never intend to give me that someone just yet.

since i was in a relationship for the past 2 years.

i think God is giving me the opportunities to regain myself and confidence and to put me out into the world.

and because of ll these achievements, i realized, it can wait.

I CAN WAIT.

maybe i can enjoy singlehood for a little longer. :)

now i can attest to the saying that when God gives away something he is emptying your hands for something better.

now i can see everything clearly and also in a different perspective. :)

i hope those people who have gone through and who are still going through a big deal of pain and loss would not give up and lose hope.

i had my own moments of giving up.

i had my own suicidal moments.

but when i see all the things God has given me, i changed the way i see myself and the way i see the things around me.

it may not be easy.

but you just have to open your eyes a little wider.

sometimes it's not in the things we want to see.

it's in the things we need to see.

i hope people would realize that.

have a great day ahead!

not sure if i'm ready for summer but i'm looking forward to it!

xoxo :) ♥

pamie. :)

valentine's rush

tomorrow is going to be valentine's day.

yeah. it kinda sucks that i am single this year and i am not looking forward to anything special to happen.

but it's still a very special day.

and this post is not about my dramatic life but about the two people who taught me and showed me that true love and everlasting love is real.

my grandparents.

the picture above was taken on their 65th wedding anniversary last JUNE 2010

they're both 93 years old to date.

they've been together fro 65 years.

gaaaahd! who in the world can live and love the same person for whole 65 years?

their love is amazing and the things they did for us, their children, grandchildren and great grandchildren are all for love.

my mom got separated from her husband, my two cousins annulled their previous marriages because they were battered or something.

my other aunt is now struggling with her marriage after finding out her husband is having an affair with a girl who is younger than me!

but then, after everything i have seen inside my family, i have never stopped believing in love.

that is because every single day since i have started living with my grandparents, i see how love can bind us together.

how their love for each other and for us never tore us apart even if some of us are not physically present here.

maybe some people out there after experiencing a loss and great heart ache, they give up. they stop finding reasons to love. most especially when they have been cheated on or the ones they loved left them.

but for me, i am young and i will never stop finding reasons to love someone.

i understand that it is so hard to move on most especially when you came from a long term relationship.

but life and love doesn't end there.

my grandparents' love for each other weren't always that easy to handle.

i heard my granddad had so many vices before that would include smoking and drinking.

but i have never ever heard, not even once that he cheated on my grandmom.

for 65 years he loved only one woman.

he had eyes only for one woman.

not that they're perfect for each other.

but they find ways to fit themselves for each other.

compromises. as they always say is key to lasting relationships.

i know most of my friends don't see this kind of love in their family since most of them their grandparents are dead or one is dead or their not living with them.

but i grew up seeing this kind of love.

i grew up feeling this kind of love.

it doesn't makes me an expert on love but it's just so amazing how when by just looking at them you will be inspired.

how many people are inspired on the love they have given each other and other people for the past 65 years.

they say nothing lasts forever.

true enough.

but some things doesn't have to last for it to stay.

65 years.

still can't believe it.

they've been together through thick and thin, ups and downs, sickness and in health, rain or shine. for 65 fruitful years.

life is hard. and loving is hard.

but when i see them, i realize, it's not that hard.

we are the ones making it hard.

sometimes when we are not ready for someone to be in our lives we tend to push them away.

sometimes when faced in difficult circumstances we tend to forget that we are not alone.

sometimes we abuse the love and attention given to us thinking that it will never leave us.

most of the time we take the most important people for granted.

loving is easy.

it's just sometimes, we make it hard for one person to love us.

we make it hard for them to understand us.

it's just sometimes, we tend to lose trust in them and in ourselves.

we tend to not see what's in front of us because we always look far away/

it's just sometimes we are too proud to ask for forgiveness and just let things be.

we realize all our mistakes just a little too late.

but i hope it doesn't stop us from finding true love. or from stop looking for love. or stop waiting for it to come.

it will come. we will see it. it will come in many forms. it may be a person, a job, a thing, an ambition, a wish. but it will come.

and that love will grow. and let you grow.

i grew up with so much love in my heart. so much love that i could give to people aside from my family.

my grandparents didn't just love only us. but they opened their doors to a lot of people.

and that's when i realized that it's not just the both of you that should love each other.

you invite many people in your lives to make your love grow (of course don't invite possible 3rd parties)

invite people that could help you in times when both of you are in trouble or under a bad situation.

it's just that not because both of you are in a relationship is that only both of you could work things out.

valentine's day is for lovers.

i get it

but it's also the time when single people get together and have fun on their own. :)

it's also a day to celebrate different kinds of friendship.

and i am so happy i have good friends.

a day to celebrate different kinds of relationship.

it's a day about love.

and it's just normal for us to spread it.

i hope i could inspire hopeless romantics out there by telling how wonderful love can be. as a proof: my grandparents.

happy valentine's day everyone!

♥

xoxo. :)

the end of the line

i know i have been so lovey dovey these past few weeks. but can't help it though. it's love month and i can feel so much for this guy but he just keeps on ignoring me whenever he likes.

and that makes me feel inconsistent too.

right now i am organizing a speech in my head.

my final message for him about all of my feelings.

true, he was the one who confessed to me first about liking me, and wanting me to like him back too. but after liking him, he just disappears and then show up again.

how inconsistent can he get?

but now. i am organizing a speech. and it's really hard to do it in my head so i am doing it here.

and here how my speech goes:

i know i have told you many times that i like you. and this would be the last time i will say this.

i like you but i have noticed that every time i say that you always tell me the exact same words all the time.

like you're not ready.

you have school stuffs to tend to and prioritize.

okay. i get it. i do. and i have been very understanding and very considerate.

but how selfish can you get?

how about me? it doesn't always have to be you.

HOW. ABOUT. ME.

it's not that i want you to be my boyfriend and all.

it's just. i don't see the point of liking you if there's nothing to look forward to.

and you told me to just keep my feelings to myself for the mean time.

fine. i agreed to that. unselfishly.

but for once. just once. can you please consider my feelings too?

you said, go with the flow, but how will i do that if there is no flow to go with to?

crap. don't want to do this anymore.

this is the end.

that's it.

happy love month everyone.

:(

stressed

all these feelings makes me crazy!

i am very inconsistent nowadays and i can't figure myself out.

what do you do when you are stressed? upset? or depressed?

when i'm upset, i don't eat. when i'm upset i become anorexic. i can choose not to eat major meals. when i'm upset i eat almost nothing.

though i feel the hunger, it doesn't bother me at all. since all i can think about is how upset i am.

when i am stressed, i eat a lot of junk food. as in A LOT.

when i am depressed i tend to sleep. A LOT.

i am so messed up right now.

i need distractions.

i can't seem to focus on some things.

but i know if i put y heart to it, i can do this.

but i just need some distractions.

from what? i don't know. from him. from my crappy subject (ES 64).

all i need is a day. all i'm asking is one day. where all i can think of are things like, chocolate, Gossip Girl and other stuffs.

one day where i get not to think of him, not to hear a single love song.

one day without seeing that crappy teacher, that crappy book and notes!

urgh! can't figure out what's wrong with me.

:(

can please someone volunteer to be my distraction?

:)

woke up to love songs

it's FEBRUARY! the love month as they would say.

and how do i feel now that after 2 past valentines i am now a single girl on valentine's day?

i don't feel depressed at all.

though i really want to spend it with someone i really like (which there is someone by the way) maybe i will try to spend it like any ordinary day. like Valentine's never really existed.

but since this is the love month, i am full of love!

not just for myself but maybe also for someone else. and this post may be about him.

but we'll see. :)

last year i have received so many comments in my valentine's day post.

i wonder why. hahahah! mostly from people from other countries. i had to use a translator to read what they were saying.

but here's the thing, last year was nice. i got to spend valentine's with both my family and my special someone.

this year, the day before valentine's is going to be my granddad's 93rd birthday and i promised my mom that i would go home.

but i have to go back here in the city early morning the next day since i have classes.

but still, at least i get to spend it with the people i love.

i just hope i get to spend it with him.

i know, it's only been more than a month after my break up, but like what i said before, i had to move on and i am moving on.

and now he comes in.

he isn't the most charming person i know but he certainly makes me laugh.

he isn't the smartest guy i have ever met but he is witty and all.

he isn't the most romantic guy i have been with but he makes me feel wanted every time we are together.

he is a guy i can't have right now.

he's not ready.

and i think i am not ready too.

i don't even know if i already love him.

even though i have given so much love from my past relationship, i still have so much love to give to this guy.

but he is still not ready.

or should i say, he sees being in a relationship time consuming.

can't blame him though since he has struggles when it comes to his academics.

while i admire his strong sense of having priorities, i wonder if he even still feels the same way about me.

he told me he liked me and that when he graduates (that would be at least 2 years from now) he would really court me and that would be the only time he will ever be ready to be in a relationship.

i wanted to much to change that. :(

but what can i do?

i can't talk to him in public since he is friends with my ex, and i only chat with him on facebook every time i am online.

though we don't usually talk about mushy stuffs, i still feel "kilig":)

i haven't felt like this in a loooong time.

and i like the thrill and i like the feeling of being inspired.

just wanted him to know that every time i hear a love song, i think of him.

and every time i play Bruno Mars' song Just the Way you are, i feel so thankful that he dedicates that song to me. :)

and that's what i get when i wake up to love songs playing on the radio.

hahaha!

♥ is truly in the air! in many forms and in many types.

hope this won't be the end of feeling te love this month!

xoxo ♥

i never forgot.

today, it was raining the whole day.

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

i remembered things i should have just forgotten.

if i have just forgot about that incident, all would all be better.

i remembered the time when he hurt me, physically.

we were fighting that time but i don't remember why we were fighting

as i could remember i hit him first. and then he hit me back.

and all i could remember was forcing him to talk to me properly while pulling him towards me and he trying to pull away from me by hitting me again and again in my arms.

it hurt. a lot. but i was crying and i was confused, why he did that.

he hit me so hard that i thought i would break my arm.

i was mad. and he was mad.

i had bruises all over my arms the next day. i had bruises, all over both my arms.

my friends tried to ask me what happened but all i could say was that, i had an accident and i fell from the top deck since i was sleeping on the top deck that time.

even one teacher asked me in class what happened to me since i had a very hard time covering all those bruises, and i was really scared that he would not believe me when i tell him i fell.

i got scared. i was confused. i thought if, anyone knew the real reason, they would not understand.

i wasn't scared for me. i was scared for him.

but in the end, i couldn't remember him saying sorry to me that he hit me.

and instead, i remember him saying that, partly it was my fault for hitting him first. he was just defending himself from me.

HE. WAS. DEFENDING. HIMSELF. FROM. ME.

it has been more than a year since that happened and i thought i had moved on and forgot about it.

but as it turned out,

I NEVER FORGOT.

and now, i realized, he inflicted me all kinds of pain.

emotional and physical pain.

i may sound like a wife that was beaten by her husband.

but i think i know how they feel now.

2 of my cousins were beaten by their former husbands.

and i think i know and understand how it feels now.

you being so scared that someone else will know that the person who should have shown you only love and affection hurt you.

you not just being scared for yourself but also for that same person who beat you because you love that person so much.

i can't tell anyone about this before.

if my mom would know about this, i'm dead. he's dead.

and that time we were still together and i was ever willing to do anything for our relationship to last. even if it means i have to let go and just forget about the part that he cannot just hurt me emotionally but also physically.

after all the pain i have been through he still chose to betray me.

after those bruises, after all the excuse i made for him, to protect him, he still chose to hurt me more.

love is unconditional. that i believe in. when i love i love unconditionally.

and maybe that part was my mistake.

i forgot about myself and i just gave everything to this person i believed in.

i was ever willing to be hurt for that person without realizing that that same person wasn't willing to be hurt for me.

that that same person was defending himself from hurt. from me.

i feel pity for myself.

if i have talked to someone about what happened, things would've changed wouldn't it? i may not see him again, i may see him even in jail.

i am not afraid of him.

i was never afraid of him.

it's not that i have died from those bruises.

but, it hurts.

he wasn't even sorry.

and he partly blamed me for it.

that was the most painful part of all.

:(

DAY ONE

today is the day i could say with all confidence that I AM MOVING ON.

this is the day when i don't really care anymore. what he thinks, feels, says about me.

or what he and he's slutty bitch do. (sorry but i will never get over the fact that i hate her)

he once asked me if i still loved him.

and i said i do but not the same as before.

where did all the love go?

some of the love were converted to pain,some of it were converted to anger, some just merely disappeared when the pain was starting to fade.

i can't promise that i won't cry anymore because i don't know what might happen in the future.

i just hope he will really soon find my worth.

he will realize what a big mistake to let me go.

but it's still okay if he doesn't though.

like i said, i don't really care anymore.

he's on his own now, and i am on my own.

it's quite a relief that i am feeling like this. 

i have never been that dependent on him, but it feels good to be really free from all those hurt and pain.

and i will never be insecure of that bitch no matter how he praise her for being good in this and that. 

it will never change the fact that she is still ugly.

haha! sorry for being so evil. but it's kinda true.

:)

i mean being in a relationship is nice, but being single is nice too.

i may not look forward to valentine's day, but it would still be fun knowing you have friends who are like you.

SINGLE and HAPPY! ♥

though i have this someone i like right now, i don't think both of us are ready to be in a relationship.

i thought i was though but i was wrong.

it's fun. the thrill of the chase. the mystery of what will happen next.

today is DAY ONE.

the very first day after a series of moving on days that i am really moving on.

the first day since the break up that i can say that there is no pain anymore.

i can go out with my friends without telling anyone what we would do, i can go and see other people, i can be me, in a fun way!

and all i have to think about is myself.

and this is me. just being inspired. :) 

xoxo. ♥

bad news

we just got a message from our classmate that his dad is in a coma since last night and he is asking for our prayers.

my heart broke.

i automatically replied to him that i will surely pray not just for his dad but also for him.

as much as i want to empathize to him, i haven't experienced something like that before. even family deaths, or family crisis like that. except maybe that one time when i didn't get to celebrate my 13th birthday because my granddad was sent to the hospital and all of us thought it was his time to go.

but i guess this is different.

it's his dad.

me? i don't even know if my dad is still alive or where he is right now.

but the thing is, i don't know a single thing about fear of losing someone to death.

not a thing.

not a single thing.

and i am afraid that when the time comes that it's me who is facing it, i won't know what to do.

we are all afraid of death. we are all afraid of losing the people we love by death.

but when i think of the people i love dying, i still don't get that fear. 

maybe because it has never happened to me. 

thankfully, i just received a message that my friend's dad just woke up

GOD IS REALLY GOOD!

and the feeling of relief, is great. :)

i just hope that when the time comes that things like this will happen to me, i will be strong enough. 

things will always end well. 

xoxo! ♥ :)

welcome 2011!

this is my first post for this year. and i know i have been such a bitch by not writing anything decent last year. but i'm here now and i am writing again! finally!

these past few weeks i have been through a rough break up with my ex of 2 years.

though everything's okay now, there is still that pain i am feeling.

i have two posts that i wasn't able to finish since i want to start my year right.

i want to start by writing something sensible for once.

as i have said for the past three weeks i have been through a rough break up.

there was a lot of drama, crying in the middle of the night, confrontations and many more.

true, betrayal is always painful, but in the end you will find something comforting that makes the pain less and less everyday.

but all has been said and done, and i have forgiven those people who hurt me (including that fucking bitch who my ex said he loves but not more than he loved me), and now i am doing a fresh new start and i am dedicating this year for myself. and for myself only. :)

for the past 2 years at least, i have given myself to a person whom i thought would cherish me for a long period of time.

for the past 2 freaking years i have given myself to someone and left a little for myself.

and now, this year will be all for ME. and ME alone.

me and my happiness, me and the things i could have done for the past two years if i wasn't in a relationship, me and the things i would want to do in my life right now.

i have realized, i have so many dreams for myself. i have so many things i want to do, i want to become. and even in my little ways i want to fulfill some of those dreams.

i was never an achiever, but i was always the hardworker.

and now, i want to achieve something for myself. something i would never thought i want. and i am going to find out what it is.

i am a very open person. i adjust to things most people find themselves crazy adjusting in.

i can't say that i am not the me that i used to be.

i am still me.

there is still that dark and twisted side.

but there is also that happy and optimistic side.

and about love?

i am single and ready to mingle!

what happened, can't possibly stop me from loving again.

i mean yeah, he is the first real relationship that i had, though it didn't end well, and i am on the process of moving on, but i am ready to face the future and look ahead for what's in store for me.

if someone comes, then i'd be happy to entertain. but if not, then it's still okay. :)

i don't believe i have to grieve for long. :)

i am moving on and i am choosing to move on, despite of the pain that sometimes still come to me at night.

(like last night i cried again but no sweat, i am still fine)

so that's it!

this is my plan, my dream and my aspiration.

and i hope everyone will also have a good year this year!

i mean trials will always come, but worry not for we all can get through that.

i always believe that! :)

xoxo!! ♥

over and done

i will begin this entry by saying that, my 26-month relationship was ended last night. 

after more than 2 years of being together, we broke up.

and right now, i feel totally fine. i feel nothing. and i don't know why.

i don't feel depressed i don't feel any anger.

i don't feel any pain. yet.

after more than 2 years, the relationship i have been keeping and cherishing has come to an end.

it's true our relationship started on the wrong foot and i always prayed that it will turn out okay, but it took him, me, us 2 years to figure things out.

2 years ago, I was the other girl. and right now, the girl he left for me is now the girl he left me for.

2 years ago i thought i would stop being the third party, but what i don't know is, all these years i was still the third party. and that is my greatest pain right now.

it still wasn't sinking in. he couldn't choose, so i made a choice. and he didn't stop me from doing that decision.

i gave up. i am the kind of person who knows when to give up. and i think the time is now. after 2 years, i gave up something i love, something precious to me. 

i didn't had time to think, i didn't give it a few days rest or waited for everything to sink in my head. in less than a minute i told him that everything was over.

and i couldn't say anything more right now. it's just that it's over. it's all over.

i'm back!

I am in pain.

I haven't written anything for the past months and now I am saying that I AM IN PAIN.

Darn toothache. One small thing and it greatly affects my whole disposition today.

For the past months I can say I have been through a lot of pain. Who doesn’t? Right? We all experience different kinds of pain at some point in our lives.

For the past months I can say that I really had a hard time living with the pain I have gone through. It may not like be the kind of pain I was experiencing while I was growing up (which sometimes when I remember I really cry at night), but the pain made me think about a lot of things. The pain made me doubt myself and also made me doubt my faith.

I wasn’t that strong. I held on to nothing. I was floating in some dimension with no faith at all. I was about to give up. I stopped going to church I even stopped praying. I only go to church when my mom would force me to. I look back in my life, and whenever I remember all those painful moments and how it still affects me today, I ask why? Why can’t I move on? And now I am experiencing this new pain how will I move on? People see me happy on the outside but inside sometimes it’s an everyday struggle to move on. On some days, I forget about it and I can say I can truly be happy, but when I remember the pain, I breakdown. Though I have already forgiven those people who have hurt me, I still can’t find myself to forget. And there are these unanswered questions. Why? What have I done wrong? I can’t seem to forget the pain brought by the people I love. I can’t seem to understand how in the world my cherished friends betrayed me at some point. Though I can say that I have moved on but why still it hurts whenever I think of it? Why does it still damn hurt?

Today, I have moved on from the pain I experienced from these past few months. I regained myself and I have my faith back again. But the past pains, I am not so sure. At some point I have realized that maybe I can’t seem to forget about it because it will be a reminder that I have gone through that pain and lived. It will be a reminder that pain is real and it will come back anytime it wants. It will remind me of the friendships lost, all my mistakes, all the people I have hurt and the times I felt alone. It is a constant reminder that I can go through any kind of pain and survive. And that I would like to share. For the past months I wasn’t writing, I realized a lot of things and I intend to share that. (That is if someone is actually reading my blog)

Pain is a constant reminder for all of us. May it be past, present or future pains. Pain is part of who we are. Pain is like happiness or sadness. It is not always there. But I treasure pain. I treasure it like experiences; it gives me realizations and lessons. As a matter of fact sometimes it gives me hope. Because sometimes in pain, you will discover that you will never be alone. And because of that you start to hope. You start to stand up and walk. Pick up the broken pieces of yourself and you find other people picking it up with you. Pain makes you strong when you endure it. And I can say that today I am strong enough to go through another set of painful experiences and live to share my realizations to everyone. Whenever you find yourself giving up just remember all those past pains and think that you did not go through that for nothing. J

heart's day!!

it is definitely the season of LOVE!! happy valentine's y'all!!

well, i sooo love that the family got together this last few weeks.. to celebrate my grandparent's birthday.. 

it is valentine's and i had to spend time with my family and the person i treasure today..

it's a rear opportunity that you can do that both on valentine's day..

it's the season of love!! and the town is painted in red.. 

and now i am sooo lazy to write.. be back later.. 

100 truths

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: water
2. Last phone call: mom
3. Last text message: Andrey 
4. Last song you listened to: bleeding love
5. Last time you cried: last week :( 

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: never date..
7. Been cheated on: yup
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: absolutely!!!
9. Lost someone special: YES
10. Been depressed: not a lot..
11. Been drunk and threw up: Never been drunk..

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. GREEN
13. BLUE
14. PURPLE 

THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: YES
16. Fallen out of love: NO
17. Laughed until you cried: YES
18. Met someone who changed you: YES
19. Found out who your true friends were: YES
20. Found out someone was talking about you: YES
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: YES
22. How many people on your friends list (FACEBOOK, K?) do you know in real life: 80% 
23. How many kids do you want?: in the future? at most 5 at least 3 :)  what? i'm an only child.. i want to have a big family.. 
24. Do you have any pets: NO
25. Do you want to change your name: NO
26. What did you do for your last birthday: CELEBRATION WITH FRIENDS
27. What time did you wake up today: 7:30 am  
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping.. snoring.. dreaming.. 
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: vacation!!!!
30. Last time you saw your Mother: just a while ago.. 
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: MY WEIGHT!! haha 
32. What are you listening to right now : the television and the aircon.  
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I don't know.. i can't remember someone named TOM 
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: our slow internet connection 
35. Most visited webpage: FACEBOOK and TWITTER 
36. Whats your real name: REAL? Christine Marie 
37. Nicknames: PAMIE, TIN..
38. Relationship Status: in a relationship
39. Zodiac sign: LIBRA
40. Male or female?: FEMALE
41. Primary School?: St. Paul College Pasig
42. Secondary School?: PISAY CMC
43. College?: Mindanao State University - Iligan Institute of Technology
44. Hair colour: BLACK
45. Long or short: LONG
46. Height: 5'3"
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: YES
48: What do you like about yourself?: EVERYTHING! :)
50. Tattoos: none.. i'll be dead if i get one
51. Righty or lefty: RIGHTY

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: none 
53. First piercing: EARS 
54. First best friend: MICHELLE MOLINA way back in elementary.. she probably doesn't remember me anymore.. she's abroad since 3rd grade 
55. First sport you joined: VOLLEYBALL 
56. First vacation: Kapatagan Lanao Del Norta when i was little
58. First pair of trainers: i can't remember 

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: none.. :(
60. Drinking: none.. 
61. I'm about to: finish this
62. Listening to: television

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: YES  
65. Get Married?: Of course..
66. Career?: YES

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: EYES
68. Hugs or kisses: HUGS
69. Shorter or taller: TALLER
70. Older or Younger: OLDER
71. Romantic or spontaneous: SPONTANEOUS
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: ARMS
73. Sensitive or loud: SENSITIVE
74. Hook-up or relationship: RELATIONSHIP
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: HESITANT

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: NOPE
77. Drank hard liquor: yes.
78. Lost glasses/contacts: NOPE
79. Sex on first date: never
80. Broken someone's heart: yes.. :(
82. Been arrested: NO. 
83. Turned someone down: YES
84. Cried when someone died: YES!
85. Fallen for a friend?: YES

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: YES
87. Miracles: YES
88. Love at first sight: NO
89. Heaven: YES
90. Santa Claus: NO
91. Kiss on the first date: NO
92. Angels: YES

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: not really
95. Did you sing today?: YES
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: yes. :(
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: time when i was in high school 
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: holidays!!
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: not really
100. Have you missed somebody: YES all the time..  

i always thought that life is a matter of choice.. and it all depends on what we know, what we think, what we do or how we act on a certain situation.. for short, it all depends on us.. but sometimes i find myself corrected and it makes me change the way i think and feel about certain things in my life.. this is my first and last entry this month.. when i should've written my resolutions on the first day i chose to write it on the last.

there were nights this month that i would just sit, look at my open book and notes and think about how miserable my life was back then.. and then i would eventually start to cry.. i thought, i had no choice at that time.. my parents had to be separated and i have to move in a place where i feel that i don't belong because the people made me feel that i didn't belong.. that was it.. i just had to sit there staring at my notes and remember the bad things and then i would start to cry.. but then again.. maybe i was just tired.. tired of my life having all my efforts gone to waste.. well sometimes i think that it is gone to waste.. sometimes people don't appreciate you for who you are and what good you do.. they stick to the bad side and the mistakes yu have done in the past.. i think i didn't have a choice.. but i did.. i had a choice to live a non-miserable life by looking at things at a different angle.. but then i think, wrong again.. i think that life soemtimes isn't a matter of choice.. it sometimes is a matter of letting the water flow where it suppose to flow.. i am a spontaneous person and yet i believe that life is a matter of choices.. choices that we make good or bad.. and this month i have learned that it's not like that all the time.. sometimes you choose the bad.. unconsciously.. though life is not a matter of good or bad choices.. life is about how you let things decide on its own. how you let it flow through you and how you digest every information you receive.. because if life is all about choices, we would actually choose what to believe even if it's a lie, we would choose who to love even if everybody, good or bad is worth loving.. there are things in life that we don't have to make a choice.. we just need to see things in a different angle.. a different side.. and i hope the good side..

last year there were so many things that happened to me.. good and bad.. there will never be always good and always bad.. but i strive to be a better person even if many judge me for the mistakes i have done in the past and hurt me for being so imperfect.. but this year after going through this month i realized that there are so many people out there who care for me and who are ready to defend me.. i never chose those people to be my friends and they never chose me... we became friends because we are friends by heart.. like what on Philosopher said that friendship is two bodies with one soul.. something like that..

i now know why certain new year resolutions do not work.. because they plan to do it on the first day of the year when in fact, we couldn't predict things that would happen and the circumstances that we would go through on the start of the year.. i think that we all need to adapt first on what's ahead in this year and then plan on the things that we are going to do to make things work out.. sometimes we can't act on a plan instantly because sometimes we are faced with different unexpected circumstances.. so those who are the "planning" type would have plan A, B, C up to Z.. but for those who are not are just going to give up on doing their resolutions and go ahead with life.. what a spirit!!!! haha!! i just had the crazy idea of setting the whole month of January for planning my new year's resolution for the remaining 11 months of this year..well these are not mere plans and resolutions these are the things that i have learned this month and i am going to carry for the whole year..

resolution/realization

#1. life is always unfair.. it will never be fair.. let us all face it.. all we have to do is see the good in things.. :)

#2. always follow what's written in the procedure.. you'll get in trouble if you don't

#3. life is always fun with friends around, be with people who makes you happy :D

#4. past is past... period..

#5. follow your heart and do the right thing!!!!

#6. don't cry over spilled milk..

#7. use your past pains for your current strength.. :)

#8. laugh at your mistakes.. it's fun!!!

#9. it gives happiness if you give more..

#10. devote yourself for something very important.. like.. uhmm.. studies!! haha!!

lastly.. try different kind of things everyday!! :)

be happy and live life!!! :)

last day of 2009

today is the last day of the year 2009.. and i think today is the best time to reminisce the most memorable moments i had this year.. :)

i know this year was really crazy but really fun.. 

these pictures were from our "Handling Relationship Seminar" last Feb.. it was fun and tiring all at the same time.. with the members of the SPF family.. we also made our backdrop the one behind us.. i was sooooo proud of it!! haha!!

i spend time most in school but i did not forget to come home for special events like the birthday of my loved ones and spending time with my family..

since i spend most of my time in school i also spend some crazy and silly time with my blockmates.. i admit.. even if 2nd year na namin ito.. i still made new friends within our block.. 

this picture was taken last acquaintance partey of our department.. it was fun!! we got to play in the pool and do silly things!!! :D

we are the acoustic group last CHEM.ENG week... too bad we didn't even got a place but it was alright.. performing in front of an audience again was really fun!! :D

these are several photos still form our fun CHEM.ENG week.. it was really fun!!!!

before the semester ended i had the time to spend my 18th birthday with my friends.. :)

and had fun by the end of the semester.. 

and also by the end of the semester i had the time to reunite with old friends.. :)

before this year ended a new semester began and new responsibilities came up.. one very critical subject we have is our new CHEM 28.2 LAB.. we have a very strict prof but still during the 6 hour lab time we still find time to have fun!!

this year was a really fun ride for me.. though many things, crazy things happened i sure did enjoy the ride.. i hope for the year to come will be a better one for me!!

happy new year everyone!!! :)

spirit of christmas

things are a bit tense yesterday in our family reunion.. 

my aunt brought her husband to the reunion

what's the problem with that? her husband recently (and also rumored to be currently) is having an affair with a younger woman.. 

sad diba? and he had the guts to show up after everything ha had done.. 

but my uncle who held a mass yesterday here at our house talked about forgiveness..

and the importance of love in the family..

so sad that our family is almost torn apart.. i mean it is christmas and yet here we are dealing with the "katangahan" of my aunt and the "kakapalan" of her husband.. 

but even though everyone talked about not talking to him, i still payed respect to him by greeting him when he arrived.. not because i have a respect for him as a person but i respect him because he is older than me..

in the mass everyone didn't come to him noong "peace" time na.. only my uncle (the priest) shook his hands.. but he did try to reach out to the other siblings of my mom including my mom of course.. 

it's so sad to think na ganito ang pasko namin dito.. here in our family.. 

spirit of christmas was never there.. for all the christmas we celebrated once lang kami nabuo.. 

pain is something we all deal.. through the years we contain it in our hearts.. 

pain was there when my mom and dad separated but i had to live with it.. and now we are okay the pain is quite gone.. 

new pain come and go but it is up to us when we will let it go and when we want to let it stay.. 

pain is a very terrible feeling.. 

it drives people to do bad things and also hurt other people especially the ones they love..

the spirit of christmas is all about joy and love..

i hope and i pray that someday that one christmas full of love and joy will come in our family.. 

merry christmas!!!

this is my first post on the month of December.. and i hope this wouldn't be the last...
December 16 was the start of the Simbang Gabi and since then until yesterday Dec. 24 i wake up every 4 am and go to church.. 9 mornings.. and in that 9 mornings i have learned 9 important lessons and values in life that i hope will also help other people out there (if there are people who are reading my blog) in their lives..

DAY 1 Dec. 16

JOY

there are a lot of problems here in our country today.. but not only in our country but also in our individual families.. but Christmas is the time of JOY.. being happy.. this teaches us that despite of our day to day problems we are bound to still be happy no matter what.. we sometimes dwell on our problems and then we worry too much..
for me.. it's the little things in life that makes me happy..
when i see cute little puppies running around at the doorstep of my room in our boarding house.. seeing so many stars in the sky.. it reminds me how much God loves us and He lets us see the beautiful things he has given to us.. and yet because of the many problems that we have we don't see it and appreciate it.. there are so many reasons to be happy and yet we refuse to see it.. this season and the next year to come i hope people will see their blessings and be happy with it.. there are so many reasons to be happy and i hope we will not be blinded by our worries and problems.. :)

DAY 2. Dec. 17

THANKSGIVING

this is connected with JOY.. we always complain on the things that are lacking in our lives.. we don't even see the blessing we receive.. and that is what i am seeing in us Filipinos.. we always complain on corruption, poverty, some even say na "kinakahiya nila maging Pilipino".. so sad.. we always see the negative in things.. some commit suicide thinking that their life is useless and no point at all.. what we don't see is every waking hour of our lives we are truly blessed.. we do not see the good in every situation that is why we always complain.. many of us are very lazy walking, waking up in the morning but there are also many who has no feet and is stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of their existence.. some say that their life is useless and yet many people are using oxygen tanks and fighting for their lives.. we should not just be thankful because we have a life.. that we can walk, eat, talk and breathe. but we should also be thankful because even though sometimes we are not worthy to be blessed, we are still given with so many blessings.. think about it.. there are many less fortunate people in the world.. and you are not one of them.. it is one thing you should be thankful for.

DAY 3. Dec 18

COMPASSION

Compassion is a human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compassion)
compassion is one thing i believe most of us do not possess..
One of the clearest examples of compassion is Mother Theresa. As she cared for the poor and sick in the leper colonies of Calcutta, India, someone once told her "I wouldn't touch those leper for one million dollars. Her reply was, neither would I." She spent her life serving the rejects of society. She was truly a person of compassion.
(http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_are_some_examples_of_compassion)
but in this season of giving many try to exercise this.. we should always have the compassion for the people who are suffering because they need us and our support.. people who are sick (emotionally or physically) needs someone to take care of them.. needs someone who will encourage them to live better lives and their life is worth living.. in this season of giving and loving let us share our love to those people who badly need it..

DAY 4. Dec 19

ENCOURAGE OTHERS

now it's election time.. and i know many politicians are competing against each other.. but today we should all start not pulling other people down.. we are all not perfect.. and yet we take other people's weaknesses to pull them down.. one thing that is very important this season is whenever someone is down or experiences failures we should not take that against them. we should always encourage them to do better and we should always believe in what other people can do.. let us not look at their bad side.. as what many people would say we all have the good side and we should enhance it.. people experiencing failures and downfalls need help and encouragement like what our God does.. He encourages us to be good people and follow what is right.. if you know someone who is experiencing failures and trials, encourage them to move on and do better.. because we should help people see the good side of things and not the bad..

DAY 5. Dec 20

Faith

sometimes we all lack faith in the Lord.. we all lack faith in ourselves.. this season let our faith be stronger and with our faith we can see what God wants us to see.. :)

DAY 6. Dec 21

VALUE OTHER PEOPLE

this is sometimes we forget to do.. we forget to value the people who are helping us and accompany us in our everyday lives.. my aunt every 25th of December she organizes a party for all the people in her household.. the maids, he assistant at work.. not just for the helpers but also for their families.. which is really very nice.. it taught me to value the people (no matter what is their position in your life) who are with us everyday.. we should not forget that not because they work for us we do not have to thank them for the things they have done for us.. we should not just give value for our family but also we should give value to the people who touched our lives in their own little way.. that is why my mom would always buy them presents too.. because when they know that even if they are just "helpers" they are also valued.. :)

DAY 7. Dec 22

HUMULITY

Jesus Christ was born in the manger.. and it symbolizes that He is humble.. we should not be a "show-off" because if everybody in the world isn't humble what do you think the world would look like? terrible isn't it? the importance of humility is sometimes not seen most especially when one holds power or position in our society.. but being humble defines who we are and what we are made of.. as i was growing up there were times that i forgot to be humble but i was raised not to boast a lot and not to step on other people.. when we are wrong we should always admit our mistakes.. PRIDE would not take us anywhere.. it could destroy us and our relationship with other people..

DAY 8. Dec 23

RECONCILIATION

we all should reconcile.. we should repent.. it is always not too late!! :)

DAY 9 Dec 24

HOPE

in these times of trouble we should never lose hope.. we should have strong faith in God and we should never give up.. this season, the birth of Jesus gives us Hope that we are all going to be saved.. we just have to have faith in Him





in this season of love and sharing may we all fill Jesus in our hearts and let us not forget the true essence of this celebration..
Merry Christmas y'all!!! :)

another issue on politics..

yesterday i voiced out my opinion on Sen. Aquino's candidacy on facebook..

then just this afternoon, someone sent me this message..

his profile name was Arch MiGz

and his message was like this:

REASONS WHY WE SHOULD VOTE AND SUPPORT NOYNOY C. AQUINO:

It’s almost two decades now since I started to exercise my constitutional right of suffrage. Seventeen years of disappointments about how politics had and has been jeopardizing the nation and its people. Election after election, politics in the Philippines even become dirtier and implausible, surrounded with politicians who are either too power greedy to leave or too old to realize they are no longer capable. I was still young when Benigno Aquino Sr. was assassinated, yet his death was the best political event I could ever call to mind, because that gave the country its genuine independence and freedom though short-lived and temporary.

As the national elections crawls closer , we see loads of traditional politicians doing what they are most excellent at : sticking posters all over even if the campaign period is still months away, seeing them on television, hearing them over the radios, and they become very unusually visible and generous. They come into view like angels and saints more than willing to dedicate their life for the welfare of the country and the Filipino people. If you listen at their speeches, you would certainly be fascinated about how clever and intelligent they seem to be. But leave no stones unturned, behind these masquerades are politicians who destroyed our country and the destiny of every Filipino.

It is high time to change the culture of politics in our land. We have tried the most intelligent president during the Marcos regime but we suffered much of his dictatorship. We attempted a West Pointer but not very creditable. Out of despair, we even tried a mediocre leader but turn out dreadfully helpless. But our resilience as a people gives us the conviction that soon we could find the best leader to transform our country into a better place to live. I still believe one person could bring about the much needed CHANGE. He may not be the most intelligent amongst the aspirants, but surely a smart man to lead a country that believes ‘NOTHING IS TOO LATE’ for a genuine change. Consider these reasons why Filipinos should vote BENIGNO SIMEON "noynoy" C. AQUINO III for President.

1. INCORRUPTIBLE. His father’s legacy of faith and love for the Philippines is the noblest that I have known for after Jose Rizal. Ninoy Aquino Sr. was so valiant to defeat dictatorship and so he exchanged his life to bring about freedom and democracy to the nation. Cory Aquino, whose political life continued the cause of Ninoy, was the only Philippine president who was never involved in corruption and indignity. Two great leaders of the country, and a son, the record as a congressman and as a senator is never blemished with colors of dishonesty and abuse of power.

2. NO TRAPO. Unlike other politicians, Noynoy’s candidacy is a call not for his selfish interest but for the people who believe in him. His political conduct is non-traditional and his vision is not personal. Drop the trapos and vote the candidates with proper character and dedication to public service.

3. GOD FEARING. One who fears in the Lord, fears to sin. Noynoy is not perfect, and definitely no one is. But his family’s devotion to faith is not superficial. His mother Cory Aquino was a very devoted Marian and so his siblings. I believe, their being truly religious is synonymous to honest governance.


4. SON OF DEMOCRACY. Noynoy would certainly not put his father’s death to oblivion. Being a son of two politicians who fought for the country’s freedom and independence, Noynoy carries the blood of the genuine Filipino heroes. His reluctance at the start to run for the president indicates that he is not hungry for power.

5. WELL EDUCATED. Noynoy has the right brain cells to govern and lead. He’s not overly clever and most importantly not stupid. We don’t necessitate a very bright president, we just need a leader who knows how to look, listen, and act what this country wants. We already suffer the extremes of a very intelligent one, and we suffer more to a brainless actor.

6. NOT A GAMBLER. Benigno Aquino Jr. is not a Casino aficionado. His principle does not buy the idea of taking chances. By that alone, he would not surely put the country in a lottery.

7. NO BENEFACTORS TO PROTECT. Politicians do patronized big companies for monetary reasons. During the campaign period, traditional politicians would always beg support from massive business enterprises for financial sustenance, and gratitude dictates favors after. Noynoy has been very outspoken to say that he does not have the necessary financial capability to run a campaign and neither would he give in to asking from anyone than the candid support of the ordinary Filipino citizen.

8. MORAL APTITUDE. Noynoy is obviously a very good son and a brother to his sisters. He has never been accused of moral indecency, Noynoy’s personality conveys a message of reformation to many politicians whose moral conduct and unsuitability remain contentious.

IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT IN THE PHILIPPINES, PLEASE SEND THIS MESSAGE TO YOUR FRIENDS...

and here is my Reply:

you said that:

Benigno Aquino Sr. was assassinated, yet his death

was the best political event I could ever call to

mind, because that gave the country its genuine

independence and freedom though short-lived and

temporary.

- okay.. i will not argue with it.. i wans't still

born when this happened.. but i do believe in

Ninoy's advocacy.. and it really touched me and i am

truly embracing it..

but let us start with the simple yet heavy statement

you said:

As the national elections crawls closer , we see

loads of traditional politicians doing what they are

most excellent at : sticking posters all over even

if the campaign period is still months away, seeing

them on television, hearing them over the radios,

and they become very unusually visible and generous.

They come into view like angels and saints more than

willing to dedicate their life for the welfare of

the country and the Filipino people. If you listen

at their speeches, you would certainly be fascinated

about how clever and intelligent they seem to be.

But leave no stones unturned, behind these

masquerades are politicians who destroyed our

country and the destiny of every Filipino.

- now why did i say it was simple? Simply because

every Filipino says this.. and may i emphasize what

you said that:

behind these masquerades are politicians who

destroyed our country and the destiny of every

Filipino.

- okay.. so who destroyed the Filipinos?

Politicians? and who put these Politicians in their

places right now? Filipinos right? not Americans, no

one else but US. so? Filipinos are

"self-destructing"? if you would say na nandaya lang

sila, but who made it possible? who has the last

decision kung papayagan sila mandaya, diba Pinoy

din? the thing here is we blame everything.. as in

EVEVRYTHING to the government, politicians etc.. we

don't even look at ourselves on how we feel for our

"dying" country.. i am not pro administration nor am

i against it.. i am just saying that when we have

laws, we should respect it.. and the ones who made

it.. because in making a law, WE matter A LOT.. my

point here is.. we have laws then we ignore it..

like we don't have any integrity at all.. some still

steal, commit fraud, and kanino natin ginagawa ito?

sa kapwa Pilipino pa.. nandadaya tayo, sila...

pinapayagan natin na dayain nila tayo.. alam mo kung

anong kulang? LOVE.. yun ang kulang sa atin mga

Pinoy.. sa pagboto ko kay Nonoy, mahal ko na yung

bansa? kung di ko siya iboboto? di ko na mahal ang

bansa? ano bang klaseng logic yan.. but i'm not

saying that you said that.. para lang kasi sa mga

sites that supports Noynoy, parang ganun yung ibig

sabihin..

you said that:

I still believe one person could bring about the

much needed CHANGE.

-and this is Noynoy right? now, i will tell you

this again, the person who could bring about the

much needed CHANGE, is you.. and me.. and the

Filipino people.. not by just voting the right

president (which is for you is Noynoy),.. but loving

our country.. and loving being a Filipino..

respecting other Filipino's rights and the laws..

you gave me several reasons why i shoud vote for

Noynoy.. Sen. Aquino.. but here are my questions:

1. Why Noynoy? because of his parents' legacy?

because he has been a good person? because he passed

many bills that became laws for the good of the

country? i know i haven't heard his achievements or

things that he had done for our country.. but that

doesn't mean that he didn't do anything.. right? but

is it right to judge a person by where he came from?

and not by what he can do? maniniwala na sana ako

kay Noynoy kung hindi bukang-bibig ng mga tao na

iboboto siya dahil anak siya ni Cory, anak siya ni

Ninoy, like what one of your reasons stated.. and it

is very sad na yun ang naka-input sa mga tao.. hindi

dahil iboto natin siya kasi ang dami niyang nagawa

para sa bayan.. that would sound reasonable and

good.. siguro i would consider voting him kung

ganung mga reasons ang binigay mo..

2. so what if he is INCORRUPTIBLE? so what if a

President is INCORRUPTIBLE? remember, na, hindi lang

siya ang namumuno sa bansa.. he may have the

greatest power but he can never dictate what other

politicians will do.. so ano? pagpapatayin niya

lahat ng maging corrupt? because for me, an

INCORRUPTIBLE president is not enough to change our

country.. kahit nga sa mga small ways natin we are

corrupt.. di lang natin alam kasi what we consider

people who are corrupt are the people in a

position..

3. what is corruption anyway? well being corrupt is,

being dishonest, lacking integrity, a person who

acts on mercenary motives, without regard to honor,

right, or justice. so, aren't we guilty of being

corrupt in any way? in any small way?

4. does it mean that when he is incorruptible,

people under him will also be incorruptible? think

about that.. like what i said earlier he is not the

only one running the country. we too are running the

country.. along with other politicians..

bottomline is.. i am not against Noynoy's

candidacy.. nor the people who are supporting him..

i just want the Filipinos to respect each other and

love the country not just by voting someone who we

think is deserving.. we will vote not just because

iaasa natin lahat ng pagbabago na kailangan mangyari

sa magiging presidente natin.. we will vote kasi

TAYO MISMO ang magsisimula ng pagbabago.. WE WILL

MAKE THE CHANGE POSSIBLE BY LOVING OUR COUNTRY MORE

and leave all the hate aside.. let us continue to

pray for our country and the people whoare greatly

affected by this coming elections.. people have

suffered a lot because of lack of love for

themselves and for the country.. some have also full

of love for themselves leaving the country with

none.. we all need to help each other for CHANGE..

we all need to see what we can do for our country,

not just by voting right but by loving it and

embracing it and being proud that we are Filipinos..

we live for ourselves.. meaning we Filipinos live

for this country that is why to make change possible

we have to help each other.. to those who are

running this elections, instead of fighting over the

power let us be united.. Filipinos were never

united.. i do believe in that.. because if we were

we will never be here in our situation right now..

maybe some people will disagree with my points but

that is what democracy is.. democracy is when we

respect each other and live in this country

respecting the laws and also the government it has..

along with this post is a video essay by a Korean about the Philippines.. i hope this will be an eye opener for everyone..